Cucumber Relish

Hold onto your socks, this is serious business.

I went to visit my aunt the other day and we went to her local market for some fruit and vegetables.  I found a number of exciting things, among them English cucumbers at 50p each.  Far too good an offer to pass up, I purchased four for good measure and turned them into glorious green relish on my return home.  This relish is really extremely good stuff.  It goes particularly well with strong cheese, or cold roast, or cheese scones, or sausage sandwiches.  Amongst other things.

Cucumber Relish

2lb cucumbers

2 large onions

2oz salt

400ml/14fl oz cider vinegar

250g/10oz brown sugar

1/2tsp ground turmeric

1/4tsp ground cloves

1tbsp mustard seed

1/2tsp celery seed

Slice your onions and cucumbers.  I have a mandolin which makes the process fabulously quick and easy, but you could grate them on a cheese grater, or finely slice them with a knife.

Mind your fingers!

Place in a large bowl and add the salt, mixing well with your hands.  Top with an upside down plate and a heavy weight and leave for a couple of hours.

Pour off the liquid, then rinse the shreds a handful at a time in fresh water, squeezing well before placing in a bowl.  Wash your jars and their lids in hot soapy water, rinse and place in the oven preheated to 180C/gas mark 4.  Make sure the jars don't touch each other, cook for 20 mins (the lids only need about 10 mins) then turn off the oven but leaves the jars in.  This sterilises the jars and preheats them so that the glass doesn't shatter when you fill them with boiling vinegar.

 Shut all doors connecting the kitchen to the rest of the house and open a window (everything gets a bit pickledy smelling otherwise).  Place the vinegar and spices in a large pan and bring to the boil.

Add the cucumber and onion carefully so that it doesn't splosh (I would hate to hear of you running to A and E covered in boiling vinegar), bring back to the boil and boil for one minute only.

Take the pan off the heat and use a colander/slatted spoon to separate the vinegar from the shreds.

Return the vinegar to the heat and boil for 9 minutes (doesn't need to be quite as exact as it sounds, 8-10 will do).  Meanwhile, take your hot jars out of the oven (using suitable hand protection) and fill to just over 3/4 full with the cucumber shreds, then pour over the re-boiled vinegar to just under the top of the jar.

Wipe the rim of the jars with a damp cloth and screw the lids on.  As the relish cools you should hear a series of satisfying pops as the vacuum sucks the lids down.  Leave to cool before labelling (you could put the date on the labels too but it probably isn't worth it as it'll get eaten in fairly short time).

Leave for at least 3 weeks in a dark cupboard before eating so that the vinegar can chill out a bit.

Then crack open a jar and spread thickly on a hefty slice of bread topped with mature Cheddar cheese, or cheese on toast.  Beer or cider to accompany is optional but will probably improve the combination even further.  Maybe set aside an hour or two to really savour the experience...